It Happened, It Really Happened

I've gone back and forth about posting this blog. Something wonderful happened the last 2 nights and I fear bragging about it (because that is indeed what I plan on doing) will probably jinx it and it won't happen again for several years. But dammit I'm thrilled! Shocked! Amazed! Vindicated!

Max slept through the night. Twice!

Well, to be fair, by pediatricians' definitions (5 consecutive hours), he's been sleeping through the night off and on already. But by sane, adult, sleep-deprived mommy definitions, he hasn't since he was 3 months old. He's up at least once, usually twice, sometimes more. And by up, I mean crying, hungry, needing soothing...and there were those few nights, those few, terrible, soul-sucking nights, where he wanted to party from 2 am on. For hours. And he wanted us to party with him. There was no partying solo. I won't go into detail about what we've tried, read, been advised to do etc. Any parent whose child doesn't sleep well (which I firmly believe are most parents. There's a lot of lying/exaggerating/denial out there about baby sleep.) knows what lengths you will go to to get some sleep.

We were advised by many, many, many, many, many, MANY people (including our first pediatrician..notice I say "first". He is no longer our pediatrician, mostly because he was more intent on giving us parenting advice than medical advice, but thats another blog) to sleep-train. For the uninitiated, sleep-training is an approach where you put your kid down drowsy but awake and let him sort out for himself how to fall asleep. The thought is, babies need to learn how to self-soothe and the only way they will do this is if you train them. It almost always involves a combination of timed crying, soothing, patting etc depending on which of the trillion methods you choose to use.

Sleep training isn't for us. The sick to my stomach feeling I get when Max cries (REALLY cries. Not just fussing, struggling crying...screaming, gut-wrenching crying) is not a feeling I feel I should ignore. Instincts are instincts and I've chosen to parent by instinct as much as possible. As a good friend pointed out, I parent as if we lived in a cave. (Stone Age parenting!) Babies are instinctive creatures. Max has no idea the Western world has moved past caves. So until he does, I figure its my job to do things the way he understands for awhile.

That being said, I am very aware I have the luxury of parenting like this. I am home with Max every day, I can nap when he naps, I have a husband who thankfully has moved past the Stone Age and doesn't expect a gleaming house and dinner waiting for him every night (in fact, I'm slightly ashamed to admit he does the lion's share of cooking around here).

Anyway, we commit the cardinal bedtime sin, according to the self-soothing bunch: Max is nursed or bottle-fed to sleep. Every night. We went through 2 hellacious weeks of trying the drowsy-but-awake, pick up/put down, pat and reassure method. 2 weeks. Long enough to "create a habit". And each night was the same. Screaming. Lots of screaming, resulting in an hour plus of bedtime battling, 2 sweaty, stressed, anguished parents and 1 sweaty, stressed, sad, finally sleeping infant. Once we decided "no more", as in no more screaming, sweating or stress, bedtimes have generally been peaceful and sweet and easy. And guess what? He doesn't wake up any more or less.

And for the last TWO nights he has slept like a champ. That isn't to say he doesn't wake. I heard him at around 2 and 4, babbling. I even snuck into his room to check on him and witnessed him rolling around, playing with his feet, "ba ba ba"ing away. So I went back to bed and fell asleep. SO DID HE. By himself! He self-soothed! Twice! In the middle of the night! Two nights in a row! Despite what some "baby sleep experts" (how DOES one earn that appellation?) say, "If you're rocked to sleep, nursed to sleep, fed to sleep at bedtime, you're going to need that every time you wake up."

(Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1904288,00.html#ixzz1Seiykfxf ...or don't. Its articles like this one, entitled "Advice for Coddling Parents: Put Baby to Bed Alone" that led to the 2 weeks of bad bedtimes, and my self-doubt regarding my instincts. I take exception and offense when I read stuff like this now. I get ANGRY. Coddling. Really? Thats really why I'm writing this blog and bragging about my kid self-soothing in his own damn good time despite our "unhealthy bedtime coddling"-puke puke puke bullshit bullshit bullshit-in hopes some poor, self-doubting, sleep-deprived mama is searching the vast interwebs for SOME anecdotal evidence that her instincts aren't wrong. That she comes across this blog and learns if she nurses/cuddles/rocks and soothes her tiny, sweet baby to sleep and responds to his cries he will not become an "anxious adult" [my former ped's words] and will learn to self-soothe when he is developmentally ready.)

Now I don't want to piss off every parent who has sleep-trained their kid. Cuz I know lots of good parents who have done it, and it worked, and the kid sleeps like a champ, no worse for the wear. I know by now what works in one family doesn't work in another. I know what goes on in the wee hours of my house is never going to be the same as what goes on in the wee hours of another. I know I don't have other children to worry about. I know I don't have a job to go to every day (though if you want to tell me what I and thousands of other stay-at-home moms do every day isn't work, I might punch you in the face. But thats another blog.) I know all babies are individuals and some may have a steeper sleep learning curve than others and extra help with self-soothing skills is necessary. I also know Max will probably need us again in the night and there's more sleeplessness in our future...but now I'm even more affirmed that responding is the right thing to do. He is clearly capable of self-soothing, so if he cries it means there is something-be it hunger, thirst, cold, heat, teething pain, tummy pain, developmental leaping, fright, sadness, loneliness-he can't handle on his own because he's 7 MONTHS OLD.

I don't think sleep-training is cruel, not at all. I DO think leaving a baby to cry himself to sleep alone in a dark room is cruel and any sleep researching a@#hole in a lab coat who says otherwise and writes judge-y, scolding articles that get published in national magazines and make parents mistrust their instincts needs their chamomile tea, glass of wine, Tylenol PM, loved one's warm body, down comforter, 1000 thread count sheets, or whatever sleep crutch they use taken away. See how they like it.