Delicate Condition

I worry too much. Particularly about random things that are likely never to happen. I create potential scenarios and play them out to their most unlikely and ridiculous anxiety-inducing conclusion. It does not make my life easy. My career in particular isn't suited to this sensibility.

For example, I had a "practice updo" on my books recently. A. Updos are a challenge for me and rife with opportunity for overthinking B. practice updos are almost universally scheduled by brides C. this client was not a bride (according to the receptionist who took the appointment.) These three knowns led me down a week-long path of obsessing about the unknowns and coming to my own crazytown conclusion. I was convinced I'd have to do some revolutionary and intricate technique like cornrow-pincurls on the bridesmaidzilla from hell.

Enter sweet, lovely and standard blowout-wanting mother-of-the-groom who just needed some help choosing a hair ornament and a fresh hair color. Really? I probably shortened my lifespan by about 2 hours with all the stress I unnecessarily created for myself over this situation. Ugh.

As you can imagine, being pregnant with my first child greatly exacerbates my condition. In this vein, I present to you a couple of my latest random anxiety-producing scenarios which range from semi-likely to quasi-likely to not a snowball's- chance-in-hell-likely:

-No one really looks at registries and all I will get at my showers are cutesy picture frames, clothes and stuffed animals (sans gift receipts), leaving Dave and I to spend thousands on much-needed items like crib mattress pads, my well-researched cloth diaper system and carseats.
-My labor will be so swift that we won't have time to get to the birth center, I'll be forced to deliver at a hospital, and my midwife won't get there in time, leaving me in the care of doctors and nurses I've never met and who won't listen to me.
-Someone will give the kid processed sugar before his 1st birthday leading to a downward spiral of candy-dependency, childhood obesity and a penchant for TV, video games and cheap plastic toys.
-my sex drive will never be the same.
-Laszlo will develop an extreme dislike for the kid and will start nipping (even though he's never even bared his teeth before).
-In 2012 when the government accidentally unleashes a lethal zombie-vampire virus, we'll be hiding from zombie-vampires in a closet and the kid will start coughing, threatening to give our hiding place away, and in a terrible, Sophie's Choice-esque moment I'll have to decide whether to smother my child or let everyone in the closet be eaten by zombie-vampires.
-People will sit too close to me when I breastfeed.

Oh, there's more. But I'll leave it at that lest I sound crazy.

American Idle

I'm obsessed with this book. Its as if the author read my mind about raising children and articulated it better than I ever could. Would buying it for everyone who may be potentially caring for my kid be too pushy? 'Cuz thats what I want to do. And why not? I've been subjected to schedules, timetables, cuddle cures, philosophies and child-rearing rants galore, and while there are valuable ideas to be cherry-picked from almost everything, nothing makes as much sense as The Manifesto of the Idle Parent. I've reprinted it here in its entirety in the hopes it will pique your interest:

THE MANIFESTO OF THE IDLE PARENT

We reject the idea that parenting requires hard work
We pledge to leave our children alone
We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
We read them poetry and fantastic stories without morals
We drink alcohol without guilt
We reject the inner Puritan
We don’t waste money on family days out and holidays
An idle parent is a thrifty parent
An idle parent is a creative parent
We lie in bed for as long as possible
We try not to interfere
We play in the fields and forests
We push them into the garden and shut the door so we can clean the house
We both work as little as possible, particularly when the kids are small
Time is more important than money
Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
Down with school
We fill the house with music and merriment
We reject health and safety guidelines
We embrace responsibility
There are many paths
More play, less work


Isn't that fantastic? Some of his thoughts are controversial, at least in the short form. Particularly "down with school". That raised my eyebrow. However, once I delved into the chapter addressing this particular maxim, it became clear. Not down with education and learning, but down with the state-run, standardized test factory that many public school systems have become. Brilliant. Agree 100%. There are many times I have been thankful my brain just happens to function right in line with the Western formal education paradigm. Recently I've worried that my kid's may very well not, with "ADD" and other alternate ways of learning pervasive on both ends of his gene pool.

Besides adding to my ever increasing excitement to be the BEST PARENT EVER, this book has done me another very important service: I am now looking at the move to Washington Island in a much more specifically positive way. My pro side of the pros and cons list for this move was looking mighty generalized: "healthier for kids", "better quality of life", "slower pace of life" etc. Blah blah blah blaaaah. How moralistic and bo-ring. Meanwhile my cons list was far more detailed and I must say, more persuasive: "only one bookstore that is closed in winter", "no organic groceries", "no free concerts in the park", "scary horror movie setting-type woods", "can't walk to get a chai in the morning", "no vintage clothing boutiques", "minimal ethnic diversity", "no Indian restaurants" (I know, I know, my city girl is showing).

But now my pro list is far more exciting: "can raise chickens. and maybe a goat.", "can have campfires at night", "can build a treehouse", "don't have to work as much", "no money-sucking family outings to tempt-ie; zoo, museum, theme parks etc", "we can grow, can, freeze and store our own food", "small rural public school", "nature, nature everywhere", "can make significant moves to get off the grid"...the list goes on and on. How freeing, invigorating, creative, FUN.

And all the things the city does offer that can't be replaced and are beneficial (Bombay Sweets, Third Ward boutiques, diversity, summer festivals, my family) will be obtained in monthly doses when we visit.

So read this book. Even if you don't have kids. I promise it will refresh your perspective on the important things in life.