Small World: Things Lost and Gained

Things I've lost:

-the baby weight. Of course my body has settled into an entirely new shape that I'm pretty sure is permanent but no matter. It bore 2 children. It can do what it wants.

-the ability to focus. My brain has been retrained to jump from one need/question/subject/activity to the next by 2 incessant little people. I often find myself puttering around randomly picking things up and putting them down whenever I have time to myself (which is pretty rare) instead of sticking to one task or activity. I used to read during children's naptime. Now I just think about all the things I could/should be doing instead. This is maddening. I don't want to care about those other things. I want to read. Or write a blog post. I greatly fear this one will never get finished.

-sleep. A great deal of sleep.

-the desire and ability to go out in the evening and drink more than one or two beers. Anyone who has known me pre-kids knows this is a good thing. However, it'd be nice to be able to cut loose once in a great while (with a responsible adult minding the children and a sober ride home of course). Instead all I want to do is sit on the couch, watch reruns of "Big Bang Theory" with Dave and eat a bowl of Grape-Nuts before going to bed.

-sight of our loveseat. Its under laundry. Perpetually. Laundry Couch is a cliché because its true.

-touch with some old friends. For this I'm sad. For this I say to them (and they know who they are): "I love you still. I think of you every day, often many times a day. I have cried often for missing you and wishing we were closer in proximity and could share our lives the way we used to when we were kids and teenagers and young adults together. I harbor hope for a future when I'm not so consumed where we can take beach vacations together, have long phone conversations, and go out and drink more than 2 beers some evenings. I hope you understand. I miss you."

Things I've gained:

-a really annoying little voice that compares me, the state of my home, my child-rearin' skills etc to others. I always had it a little bit, but its gotten so strong lately. It won't shut the f up as a matter of fact.

-a healthy respect for parents of more than 2 kids who don't appear in public looking insane. You're awesome.

-Post-It notes stuck around my house reminding me to be grateful, be in the moment, just be. Sometimes they work.

-a tattoo of a heart on my left wrist to remind me what I want to operate from-love. Sometimes it works.

-a deep appreciation for Dave. He is a better person than I am in many ways. He is a spectacular father particularly.

-more love, more worry, more joy, more frustration, more million little things to think about everyday. More of everything really except patience. And sleep. Have I mentioned sleep?

-a real disgust for Facebook. I don't like its smug-making ways. Disclaimers should be required. Those beautiful pictures of that family hike? Should be accompanied by a truthful account of the hour of running around getting all the crap it seems to require to go out of the house with 2 small children, the argument you and husband got in over someone's "tone", and the 2 seconds post-happy family selfie in which baby got sunscreen in his eye and 4 year old whined to be carried. Anyone's life can be edited to look breezy and carefree and la-di-da perfect. That doesn't mean we should do it. Problem is, complaining on social media is often more annoying. Striking a balance and maintaining objectivity and straightforward truth is pretty much impossible. But I don't want to delete my account as I'd be out of the loop and I feel its better than nothing to be in touch with some people on FB. So I lurk and grumble and post things I hope are not smug.

-a deep, abiding appreciation for naps. Simultaneous long ones! That is what is happening in my home RIGHT NOW and the reason this may actually get posted.

Now for photos, a random assortment from the summer so far. Which, may I add, has been glorious weather-wise and busy busy. Which is why I will not feel guilty for spending almost 2 hours on my butt, on the couch, on the computer. It feels so good to write!